Sage Monkey

Sage Monkey

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Sage Bears All

Things have been great for Sage Monkey and I since our last post. We've been out hunting since opening day but more importantly we have been soaking up our new life in Big Sky country. On a personal level part of that for me has been being able to get out and consume as much nature as possible. On Saturday I decided to go hike Sacagawea Peak (Sageless and by myself). It's the highest peak in the Bridger range and offers stellar summit views in every direction. I was blessed enough to run into some mountain goats while at the top and have included some photos below.  It was an awesome day indeed.

Before heading out to hike Sacagawea I swung by Sportman's Warehouse in Bozeman and grabbed a can of bear spray. It is grizzly country after all and it would be irresponsible for me to not at least have some with me. Truth time folks. Let's have an honest talk about bear spray.

#1. It's basically hopped up super mace and is designed to deter aggressive bears.  
#2. The minimum recommended distance to discharge the spray between you and the bear is about 25 feet
#3. Bear spray is pressurized and contains some seriously hazardous contents
#4. It's really nasty shit.....did I mention that yet? It needs to stop a pissed off grizzly. In case you didn't know male grizzlies can weigh 790lbs.

Let's now flash forward past my non-bear encounter hike up to Sacagawea to my Sunday night. I had a wonderful dinner at my best friend Jen's house. I played with her kids (my nephews Noah and Alex), chilled at the park afterwards with them and then read 5 year old Noah his bed time story, proudly getting to be his ambassador to sleepy land. Then I had a glass of wine, said my good nights and headed home to my beloved Sage Monkey.

Then shit got real. I walked in the door to my tiny 700 sq ft apartment and Sage was overly riled. By the time I got 8 feet into the hallway I felt as though I had been hit by a freight train. I couldn't breathe, my eyes and skin were burning and the only thing running through my mind was that there was a fire or some kind of toxic fumes were invading my apartment. Little did I know what was truly in store for future Robyn. Feel free to start pitying her now....but I digress. I ran to the back patio turned around and saw that Sage in my absence had managed to remove my newly purchased can of bear spray from the kitchen counter and had bit into it spewing its contents down my wall, base boards and heater and soaked fully into my carpet.

At this point I was basically dry heaving and snot was involuntarily pouring from my face. I drug her outside and opened all my windows and doors. I carefully removed the punctured can being wary not to touch it and then I called my girlfriend Jen for reinforcements. She had at her house everything a girl could need to combat a super noxious capsicum spray debacle: milk, heavy cream and Ponds cold cream.  

Jen showed up to my shit show and offered two very important things: help and humor. I had already tossed Sage in the shower although she would require a milk bath. Jen quickly pointed out that I hadn't removed her collar and the bear spray could easily be hanging on to it. (I'd like to throw it out there that Sage wasn't even remotely fazed by any of the commotion or painful spray. This could easily be a sypmtom of her being a batshit crazy GSP). When I unhooked her collar bear spray laced water flung directly into my eyes and onto my face. This is where I politely say Fuck You bear spray. It was just about the most painful and debilitating experience. I'd like to add that while I writhed in pain and agony on my carpet and Jen threw me a milk soaked towel I choked and half laughed/cried, "you better get a god damn picture of this." And such is the sadness you see below.

Pretty much the worst moment of my life and I can't stop crying/laughing or 
demanding it to be photographed.

This was pretty awful. If you ever wondered what heavy cream and tears looked like. 

True friends show up to your house when your jerk dog blows bear spray through your apartment, they pull your hair back while you cry into heavy cream in your kitchen sink and they most importantly take unwarranted selfies of you at your complete worst because that shit is funny. In fact it's just about the only thing I respect. They also wash your dog with milk and soap and then have a beer with you before heading home and telling you how much fun you make their life.

Your mocking my life right now. But your washing my dog. 

Pretty sure I may never see the same way again but Ponds is in the 
midst of free publicity. I can only see pain. 

Ignore my ugly suffering mug and pay tribute to how awesome my T shirt is. It says, "Philly, No one likes us and we don't care." Truer words have never been spoken. Fly Eagles Fly. #Reppingphilly

I wish I could offer some moral of the story but it's a couple of hours later and my lips are still on fire, my lungs feel singed and I am still sporting a ponds cold cream hitler stash. All I can say is Sage Monkey may have finally out done her Aunt Luna...AKA Hell puppy with this one. Sage has earned herself back into the the crate 3 to 4 hours a day pending good behavior. Jen and I have another insane story to throw into our almost 27 year history together. Sage is okay which is all I really care about. And if there was ever any doubt in my mind......I don't ever want to be maced or run into a grizzly.

Follow our shenanigans on facebook at: Adventures of a German Shorthaired Pointer